(n) indulgence in aimless thought or dreamy imagining
By the end of Sisyphus Part 4 I didn’t know who I was anymore
Ageless and nameless I melt in the rain
You’re doubting me, timing me,
Daring me to get up again
And is it any wonder when I do?
Do these failings still come as a surprise to you?
In a minute I’m busy.
Some thoughts they surround me
I’m barreling through the rain:
Waiting to be caught.
Wilting under and then growing into the pain
I’m finding you;
I’ll be home soon.
Look for me sighing,
Somewhere under the moon
I am indifferent
I am closed off
I am jumping to conclusions
I am a wrinkled shirt at the bottom of the dryer
Forgotten in a frenzied morning filled with burnt coffee and runny eggs
I am a thunderclap sounding a second too late
I am a friendship bracelet frayed at the edges
I am a stomach filled with squirming snakes
I am a June night where you can’t get comfortable
No matter how many times pillows are flipped, sheep are counted, eyelids flutter. Still awake.
I am late acceptance letters
I am sleeping until noon
I am “all in your mind”
I am breaking into pieces as I shudder you apart
And as long as you let me, I will stay.
I want to fall asleep in the sun
Full of warmth and comfort
Impeded by no one
I want to feel the breeze on my skin
Surrounded by flowers,
Pollen-headed bees tumble lazily in.
I want to watch their slow dance,
Entranced by their diligence, their inability to wear pants,
And on the tops of their silly-heads
Two little antennae bumble about
Looking around for the next bloom to sniff out
(Do bumblebees have noses?)
There are questions I suppose(s) that will abound,
Human nature itself is sort of tumbling around.
And in grief, I think, we know this,
Though when that familiar friend leaves for the summer
We pretend not to notice
He was never there.
Without a care, I lie among the roses,
Prick my fingers on the thorns
I will never pick them.
I watch the bumblebees tumble around
The orange blossoms on your sweet tooth yellow at me as I smile at you and I can’t gather these withering flowers with ugly dreams, nasty fiends, knocking at my door
What is it for?
Single melodies playing all around pretend to revel in its percussive sound
You know I’ll always be around
Until I’m not.
Who’s happy with their lot when all you are is what you’ve got
Distracted fingers memorize stop lights and bruises, alcoholic cruises melt into me and out of you
Liquid malnourishment
Find your tongue is spent working its way through the cash in my wallet
Blue rubber bands paperback hands jumping frogs and mildew incense
Innocence lost lost lost in every note
Feverish pursuit, bulbous trees taking root,
I’m too late.
I’m afraid my heart is closing up
I’m afraid the love I gave was never enough
I’m afraid of Time
Of the lines it furrows deep between, under, outside my eyes
I fear the timidness lurking inside, a meek spirit waiting to take over any liquid fire slipping passed my lips
I’ve felt it entangle me, encouraging every doubt, stroking each insecurity.
A russet hound, sickly and old
Begrudgingly, I allow these feelings to take hold
Scarcely aware of the inequities.
Would you love me if I disappeared?
The road is long and far from here
For there are places I must know
And though it is not my choice to walk alone
I will try to do so courageously.
Wandering through cobbled streets,
Laying to bed my suffering
Right up until it’s too much to bear.
I know I’ll only see your face everywhere
Walking behind me
Missing beside me
Brace my heart to face those fears
Cannot rely on someone who is not here.
Breaking periodically throughout the day
Standing there with nothing to say
Nothing to do,
Nothing to do.
Without you, how could I go on?
Somehow I manage, walking along.
Strangled bird’s song moves passed my lips
Standing on a precipice, I wonder,
Can a bird whose wings are lost truly fly?
Do not ask me, as I still have mine,
They’re only broken, now.
Woolgathering 