Sometimes breathing is the only function I can manage.
An automatic process.
Meanwhile you're paralyzed by the mess
A cardiac arrest of the mind,
Out of reach, out of mind, didn't know we'd run out of time.
I dreamt of something I no longer need.
A memory of a time when you were still here to talk through it all with me.
And aren't you?
I've been here before and I've never been born and I don't know how to think of the sea anymore.
If the skies could give you back to me,
If you could just lend me your shoes,
I promise I'd get them back to you
But only if you'll stay,
Only if you'll stay.
Dreamt you wanted to mend things
Woke up in a sweat
Whispered “empty promises”
Sometimes I convince myself that my teeth could bite through metal
That the razor edges would do nothing to the soft parts of my mouth
That I wouldn’t bleed
Sometimes I think that I could crush glass between my fingers
That the glazed sand would find no purchase on my soft tissue
That I wouldn’t tear
Sometimes I imagine that if you were here I would be able to stand it
That the sound of your voice would be nothing but a residual melody in my mind. Your face an inkblot.
That I wouldn’t crumble.
But I know, I know, I know.
The moments tick by and I know.
I bleed, I tear, I crumble.
I am no match for the dreams that play in my head
Stars dissipate above and below.
I’m watching you move,
Horizon ticking by,
tender to the touch and yet.
You make it a habit to revisit those colors,
hoping to close this distance,
resistant to you.
The ache subsists,
I’m set adrift,
river-dark bleeding I’m
dreaming of you.
Push and pull
Out of control
Well let’s go since you seem to know
Between the click of the light and the start of the dream
When it ends,
Before it ends,
Will you keep me here in your mind
(Hidden away in the pocket of a daydream)
How much is too much to ask of you
I was hoping we could talk it through
Before you’re gone with the morning
Not sure I need to mention it but just to be safe: line five is from the Arcade Fire song No Cars Go, which is sort of what propelled this poem.
By the end of Sisyphus Part 4 I didn’t know who I was anymore
Ageless and nameless I melt in the rain
You’re doubting me, timing me,
Daring me to get up again
And is it any wonder when I do?
Do these failings still come as a surprise to you?
In a minute I’m busy.
Some thoughts they surround me
I’m barreling through the rain:
Waiting to be caught.
Wilting under and then growing into the pain
I’m finding you;
I’ll be home soon.
Look for me sighing,
Somewhere under the moon
Never know who I’m going to lose
Waste of space
Time and place
Dusty orange sunsets accent outer space
Matter of time
Lose my rhyme
And I can’t find the reason, anymore.
My mind speaks volumes
I won’t say a word
(Mama said she’d buy me a mockingbird)
Indentured to sickness
She won’t stand a chance
Bejeweled wings flutter a commonplace dance
(If that mockingbird don’t sing)
A value of equal to or less in stature than
Some thing left to squaller
I’ve muddled it, and,
(Mama said she’d buy me a diamond ring)
For too late I find, I’ve lost peace of mind,
And those thoughts are loud enough to ponder.
Clouds like liquid smoke
Unfurl their tendrils,
Tongue slipping, speaking, out of
Old and new.
Fly that balloon
Seeking the moon
Then up and around to Mars again.
How did I get here
How do I know
Which way is up
When will I…
I’m temperate I’ll have you believe.
You hack at me, start it off
One two three four
Who is knocking at my door
Temporal, always, yes.
Buried deep in my chest
“Have we made it yet?”
Don’t do that here.
Five six seven eight
Resistance, entreat me. They can’t be late
Interesting, be too full.
Every feat, every way, every turn. Undeveloped.
In the morning I’m silver
You’re always light blue
Why do I move. Why do I move
Finish without me I can’t take the cost
Shut me off
Been doing homework all day, so here’s one circa January 12, 2018 at 5:39pm. (I like knowing the time. Frames it better for some reason. Better guess at my mindset for weird shit like this)