Poems · writing

Darkening

Lately feeling like a mistake

Sometimes unsure of how much I can take

How far I will go.

Dwelling on negativity, an activity that is completely exhausting to me.

And yet I’ve been asking myself: was I just another fantasy

To you?

Ever since you were acquitted

I’ve admitted to every single fallacy

All my overreactions, the stifling contingency

 My ability to stir up the dust, rub lemons into cuts, and make accusations that make no sense to anyone,

Let alone me.

I see things, too late now, that were wrong about me

That are wrong about me.

That’s not to say that you are perfect in comparison,

But no one deserves and no one should ever try to fix another person.

Now with the curtains closed and coffins shut, someone nearby singing the Final Cut,

I again struggle to stand on wavering feet

Looking out to the long road ahead of me. Well,

At least I finally have a clear path, somehow. 

Poems · writing

Wings

Would you love me if I disappeared?

The road is long and far from here

For there are places I must know

And though it is not my choice to walk alone

I will try to do so courageously.

Wandering through cobbled streets,

Laying to bed my suffering

Right up until it’s too much to bear.

I know I’ll only see your face everywhere

Walking behind me

Missing beside me

Brace my heart to face those fears

Cannot rely on someone who is not here. 

Breaking periodically throughout the day

Standing there with nothing to say

Nothing to do,

Nothing to do.

Without you, how could I go on?

Somehow I manage, walking along. 

Strangled bird’s song moves passed my lips

Standing on a precipice, I wonder,

Can a bird whose wings are lost truly fly?

Do not ask me, as I still have mine,

They’re only broken, now. 

Poems · writing

Nefelibata

Last night I dreamt of you again 

We met in the place where this first began

When we left people behind in favor of each other

Inconsiderate now, but we couldn’t think of another 

Options are hard to find when you’re too in love for peace of mind.

I met you in that place and you didn’t disappear

You pulled me close,

I breathed you in,

The whole world seemed to resume its spin

I cannot tell you the vividness of this dream.

Lifting my chin, you said to me,“When all is too much to bear, you can come and find me here. It will not go away, but you can stay, and I promise not to disappear.”

As you whispered this to me, your body acquired a kind of translucency.

Still I held onto you, as I so often do, when we’re hidden away from the world. 

Waking up as you disappeared,

I knew you were still far from here.

But, still drunk on the remnants of that vision,

Something about it left me shaken

Can spirits collide in the dead of night? 

Did I really see you there before we said goodbye?

As the morning brightened, sharpened my mind,

I left those fantasies behind

There’s something to say, though, about finally coming home,

Even if just for a little while

Old stuff · Poems · writing

Thinking in Watercolor

My body is haphazard stitches and broken bones. Tear me to shreds, I no longer fear an injured heart. This one shattered long ago.

My skin is patchwork veins, open wounds, and I cannot keep my tongue from lolling out. Spitting, screaming, it has a will all its own.

My mind should be compared to drops of rain, pattering to the ground at random interludes of cloud and sky.

Because, like them, my thoughts fly and fall at random, never striking the same spot twice.

My feelings are composed of watercolors, bleeding into each other, until even the ignorant child who mixed them cannot tell the red from the green.

[2013]


I don’t know if I personally like this one too much. I just found it in an old journal and I added a little to the beginning

Poems · writing

Sciamachy

Walking down to school today—I hear one of those demons calling my name

Vapors whisper through my head

Sweetly they croon, wishing me dead

Daring me, they challenge, say, “what’s left to keep you here this way?” 

Knees buckle, I start to roam,

Thoughts race to every sickness I’ve ever known

Family ties, promises muddled, every tear fallen to the floor, puddled.

But when before I’d give into these secret fears,

Something stands within me, up out of the years.

Banishing this curse, this plight. 

Worries that keep me up at night 

They will never become me. I will never give in. 

I can still hear them whisper, “just let me win”

But bloodlines are a fickle thing

I’ll put an end to this suffering. 

Raise the chalice to my lips

I will not drink from it. 

Old stuff · Poems · writing

Never Enough

Inspiration fine as silk blown away by a fluttering of eyelashes, a pair of eyes too bright, a connection from one soul to another

Too fast.

Too soon.

Blooms grow from these solid bones this sordid flesh of mine

No one means to hurt not really

The mind can be a comforting thing in the face of our misery, never thinking twice of the wounds it will leave behind.

Take a breath, try to speak, and find you have nothing to say

They can see it all. Staring into yourself you know there is a flame within trying so hard to flicker out failing time and time again

Children learn to tie their shoes to count by two

Children learn to tie up strings to fall in love with dirty things

Fingers tracing new horizons we color outside the lines

Dreaming is my drug of choice the only side effect a heart void of this world and its inhabitants

Every day the same causes a shift of the beat inside, strumming in staccato the words and visions I cannot reclaim as I try to explain in these too little sentences some desire deep inside

Beat yourself black and blue marvel at the change as blood attempts to flow again through your broken veins

[Written sometime in 2013/2014]

aUtHoRs nOtE: Writing the tags makes me realize how sad some of my stuff is and it’s a little depressing LOL.